"I was sitting here smiling for no reason, that's when I realized I was thinking of you."

The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you and knowing you can’t have them

When I see you smile and know that it is not for me, that is when I will miss you the most.

"The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else" 

"What can you do when the only one who can stop you from crying, is the only one making you cry?"

Should I smile because he's my friend,

or cry because that's all he is?

Love that we cannot have

is the one that last the longest, 

hurts the deepest and feels the strongest

If I could be anyone at this moment,

I'd be her so you'd love me too.

close enough to touch,

never enough to hold,

but always enough to break your heart.

sound the bugle now, play it just for me

as the seasons change, remember how i used to be

now i cant go on, i cant even start

i've got nothing left, just an empty heart

im a soldier, wounded so i must give up the fight

there's nothing more for me

lead me away

or leave me lying here.

sound the bugle now, tell them i dont care

there's not a road i know, that leads to anywhere

without a light, i fear that i will stumble in the dark

lay right down and decide not to go on

then from on high

somewhere in the distance

there's a voice that calls

remember who you are

if you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow

so be strong tonight

remember who you are

yea you're a soldier now, fighting in a battle

to be free once more

yea, that's worth fighting for.

faith.

i suppose they're right, as usual.

i am happy, i have a lot to be grateful for. i guess at the end of the day,

i just want a hug.

spiralling into misery: an introduction to the mental swirls of me

------------------

so. im desperately unhappy. what then? in a time as shit as this, i want to cry or scream all the time. and i dont freaking want to be freaking happy, not yet. god, if only i can just fall sick and not see the world for a couple of weeks i'll be better, or by then, too psychopathic to give a shit.

now, let us examine - says I, resuming a stoic face - why i am feeling so. i actually dont think im all that unhappy, im more not happy. and i choose it, consciously. im trying to react less to the world, and keep on my stonier face because seriously, it's not working out for me at all, and im being driven up the stupid wall, and now that im stoniering myself, im just feeling more and more pent up and i feel utterly frustrated and i want to explode on someone - a friend, preferably, now i just need to find one such entity.

hell. im just going stark raving.. raving.. ugh. i cant even begin to term it.

i just want to rant and ramble and go on and on and on because oh wow awesome i have been stupid and everything's collapsing on me now. and guess what? i dont even want to think it's all my fault. ooh now it's really all my fault cause now im so ego to push the stupid blame away. oho. well ok fine it's my stupid fault happy? what? stop blaming myself? OH OKAY. so it's my fault now, so sorry, i shouldnt blame myself. what's that you're saying? i'm impossible? right you are, good sir. thank you very much for pointing that out. im impossible woohoo. im impossible and proud of it so yes, stop annoying me about my annoying you. at this point you should be walking away in a huff and cursing and shaking your head and your fist.

friends dont let friends do this, do that. friends dont need to freaking play freaking mind freaking games. so screw off, "friend". mellor your stupid self.

-at this point, you really walk away-

oh shit. what have i done. what have i freaking done. what am i freaking doing. wth is wrong with me. i had someone who cared, and now i chased him away too. oh yeah i forgot. im impossible. and im proud of it, remember? remember, vince, im proud of it?

im sorry.

i am.

you know i tried.

i did.

it's just that, i lied.

f.

i want to curse and swear but i dont do that kind of things.

what's the point of money? can you eat it?

so what's the point of happiness? you cant eat it either.

i've always wanted this. now it's right in front of me. and i have every incentive to take it. why arent i?

i guess im just soft. im just soft and parboiled. but a little more time, and then i'll decide.

i sure hope no one's reading this anymore. anyone out there?

sigh hah. that sigh.. this is so. melodramatic. but im not even trying here. oh sue me. it's not working is it? i just wish there was someone about. but i guess it's my fault, as usual. and thing is, i wouldnt even say that i dont love myself. im proud of me, i dont suffer fools gladly either. it's a kind of defiance, really. i dont know whether to say i rather not be me, but there's just so much, so much..

you know what? im totally confused too. i dont want to think about anything already. i just want to be with you whoever you are.

it ends now.

this blog must die. how unbearably melancholic, that it had to die so tender, but for the first time in my life, i understand the meaning of Purpose. if there were an inspirational poster made of this, it would be a snapshot of this blog, with the caption: "PURPOSE: this blog has fulfilled its". there's nothing at all to regret, and im finding it tremendously difficult to express my thoughts - mind you, not my emotions - my thoughts into words. it's a really beautiful thing, this Death here.

i suppose when it was young, it knew not its own destiny. it was normal, just another one of 'em. but irrevocable..things happened.

--------

oh dear, i'll be back to finish this.

as can be seen, the previous post was deleted. i didnt remove the post though. nothing isn't quite nothing, i'm sure you know what i mean. so everything here, stays.

i suppose this is where a big part of me dies. i wish i could talk to someone about it. in fact, i think i will.

---calling---

at least FoW is over. expeditionary forces are ready for preliminary skirmishes. pike core is readying.

[EDIT: where the . is everyone]

[deleted]

and yes, im such a gloomy gus i annoy myself. what will you have me do? cause i dont know how to make a feeling stop. i'm sorry. tell me.

i got a pretty flower today, though of course, it wasn't half as pretty as the sender.

-----------

my ride home today was more than an hour, during which i got steadily grumpier. didn't help that it was a blasted nokia bus, so i had to endure the stop-go-stop-go while sitting facing sideways. until this one moment, when the lady sitting opposite me, this lady who had all along matched me in grumpiness, read an incoming text message and just smiled to herself. i couldnt help but smile too.

------------ 

by all rational reckoning i should be happy.

but then again, by all rational reckoning i shouldnt have done it. i feel terribly wretched.

"it is the 12th of march 2009, 1521 hours. he walks up to the fourth floor, looks over the railing and jumps. he dies."

you always say "oh vince, don't say what you don't mean." i'm beginning to think that that's a bad idea. and i pray that you, wherever you are, whatever it is you're doing - sleeping, i hope - are alright.

there are just so many things flooding my head when i think about you, like now. everyday i have more things that i need to tell you, but never do we actually talk. you're busy i suppose, i understand. not so busy that you can't talk, of course, but i will rather wait like i always do. it's not fair to you to have to mollycoddle me.

-------------

and then there's you. dammit, i dont want to write anything anymore.

-------------

and i don't know how to be fine when i'm not.

everyday now, i feel a little more like a hobbit.

in my mind's eye i see epics unfolding, but i dont chase 'em, and they float away much like how those beautiful, vividly dyed squares of cloths - those that Arabic merchants always sell in their festive marketplaces - would. i dont really mind, it's just a pity sometimes.

and then i read books that go like this: 

"certain things last," i say to myself. "One might make things a little clearer. One might even imagine a man, say a Negro, going along a city street and humming a song. It catches the ear of another man who repeats it on the next day. A thin strand of song, like a tiny stream far up in some hill, begins to flow down into the wide plains. It waters the fields. It freshens the air above a hot stuffy city."

brilliant stuff isn't it? and i dont even try to find them. i got this quote from a book i picked on a whim in the library, an action so lacking of consciousness that when i was asked "wow what book is that?" i am forced to reply, "i have no clue either. the title was, uh, i dont know, actually"

and life is so dreamy mm.

""Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."

~ Rose Walker "The Kindly Ones""

now, the only reason for these unsightly punctuations is that im quoting this quote. i wonder where she finds all these beautiful lines from hmph.

the hardest thing to trust someone about, is to

trust her to like you, and

trust that she likes you

because it hurts so bad if she doesnt, while all along, you thought otherwise.

and people wonder why im so cynical.

[edit]

which means, as an afterthought, that constantin means so much more than constantin does, and that Constantin means so much. oh Constantin, are you who you promised to be?

Constantin, French/Romanian form of Constantine, derived from Latin constans, which means - what else - "constant, steadfast".

[/edit]

i was asked whether i thought i was a good person. i said, yes, i would seem to myself like a good person, if i wasnt me, but that i felt i was really more machiavellian and self-centred in actuality. that im simply a better thespian.

and today, i was forced to think about it again.

i thought i was helping. i was trying to help. i thought it would all be for the better. but when i look back now, i cant help but wonder: was i actually just doing it all for myself? am i so good a thespian that i managed to deceive myself? does this not represent the worst stage of moral degradation - that i am not even conscious of evil anymore?

im sorry geoff. chester. claire. i didnt mean for things to turn out this way.

and to think, i always thought that my best trait was my self-awareness.

queerest thing about tonight is that at any point of time, had any little thing happen in a way different from which it did, the night wouldn't have been what it was.

maybe nigel liked guilingao, and stayed back to eat

maybe i smiled when wanting turned around, so she wouldnt have thought i was emo, and we wouldnt have hesitated so much

maybe claire decided to catch up with wanting

maybe claire's mom didnt go to her friend's place

maybe chanel's mom didnt cook, somehow

maybe anna knew geoffrey, so she would have talked about x, y, z with us

but the night was what it was.

..the night when i will fall for you...

over Jimmy Gets High, i heard the soft patter of rain upon my umbrella - like the dainty footwork of a troupe of pixies, dancing across the silky expanse that was my umbrella. i looked up, and in the soft glow of the street lights, i saw a sparse curtain of raindrops - all of which were too weary, too stretched out, that they were nought but little streaks. the patter doesnt ever cease, a comforting, warm applause of sorts, or like little, encouraging pats on the back.

butterflies! rainbows!