spiralling into misery: an introduction to the mental swirls of me

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so. im desperately unhappy. what then? in a time as shit as this, i want to cry or scream all the time. and i dont freaking want to be freaking happy, not yet. god, if only i can just fall sick and not see the world for a couple of weeks i'll be better, or by then, too psychopathic to give a shit.

now, let us examine - says I, resuming a stoic face - why i am feeling so. i actually dont think im all that unhappy, im more not happy. and i choose it, consciously. im trying to react less to the world, and keep on my stonier face because seriously, it's not working out for me at all, and im being driven up the stupid wall, and now that im stoniering myself, im just feeling more and more pent up and i feel utterly frustrated and i want to explode on someone - a friend, preferably, now i just need to find one such entity.

hell. im just going stark raving.. raving.. ugh. i cant even begin to term it.

i just want to rant and ramble and go on and on and on because oh wow awesome i have been stupid and everything's collapsing on me now. and guess what? i dont even want to think it's all my fault. ooh now it's really all my fault cause now im so ego to push the stupid blame away. oho. well ok fine it's my stupid fault happy? what? stop blaming myself? OH OKAY. so it's my fault now, so sorry, i shouldnt blame myself. what's that you're saying? i'm impossible? right you are, good sir. thank you very much for pointing that out. im impossible woohoo. im impossible and proud of it so yes, stop annoying me about my annoying you. at this point you should be walking away in a huff and cursing and shaking your head and your fist.

friends dont let friends do this, do that. friends dont need to freaking play freaking mind freaking games. so screw off, "friend". mellor your stupid self.

-at this point, you really walk away-

oh shit. what have i done. what have i freaking done. what am i freaking doing. wth is wrong with me. i had someone who cared, and now i chased him away too. oh yeah i forgot. im impossible. and im proud of it, remember? remember, vince, im proud of it?

im sorry.

i am.

you know i tried.

i did.

it's just that, i lied.