"I was sitting here smiling for no reason, that's when I realized I was thinking of you."

The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you and knowing you can’t have them

When I see you smile and know that it is not for me, that is when I will miss you the most.

"The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else" 

"What can you do when the only one who can stop you from crying, is the only one making you cry?"

Should I smile because he's my friend,

or cry because that's all he is?

Love that we cannot have

is the one that last the longest, 

hurts the deepest and feels the strongest

If I could be anyone at this moment,

I'd be her so you'd love me too.

close enough to touch,

never enough to hold,

but always enough to break your heart.

sound the bugle now, play it just for me

as the seasons change, remember how i used to be

now i cant go on, i cant even start

i've got nothing left, just an empty heart

im a soldier, wounded so i must give up the fight

there's nothing more for me

lead me away

or leave me lying here.

sound the bugle now, tell them i dont care

there's not a road i know, that leads to anywhere

without a light, i fear that i will stumble in the dark

lay right down and decide not to go on

then from on high

somewhere in the distance

there's a voice that calls

remember who you are

if you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow

so be strong tonight

remember who you are

yea you're a soldier now, fighting in a battle

to be free once more

yea, that's worth fighting for.

faith.

i suppose they're right, as usual.

i am happy, i have a lot to be grateful for. i guess at the end of the day,

i just want a hug.

spiralling into misery: an introduction to the mental swirls of me

------------------

so. im desperately unhappy. what then? in a time as shit as this, i want to cry or scream all the time. and i dont freaking want to be freaking happy, not yet. god, if only i can just fall sick and not see the world for a couple of weeks i'll be better, or by then, too psychopathic to give a shit.

now, let us examine - says I, resuming a stoic face - why i am feeling so. i actually dont think im all that unhappy, im more not happy. and i choose it, consciously. im trying to react less to the world, and keep on my stonier face because seriously, it's not working out for me at all, and im being driven up the stupid wall, and now that im stoniering myself, im just feeling more and more pent up and i feel utterly frustrated and i want to explode on someone - a friend, preferably, now i just need to find one such entity.

hell. im just going stark raving.. raving.. ugh. i cant even begin to term it.

i just want to rant and ramble and go on and on and on because oh wow awesome i have been stupid and everything's collapsing on me now. and guess what? i dont even want to think it's all my fault. ooh now it's really all my fault cause now im so ego to push the stupid blame away. oho. well ok fine it's my stupid fault happy? what? stop blaming myself? OH OKAY. so it's my fault now, so sorry, i shouldnt blame myself. what's that you're saying? i'm impossible? right you are, good sir. thank you very much for pointing that out. im impossible woohoo. im impossible and proud of it so yes, stop annoying me about my annoying you. at this point you should be walking away in a huff and cursing and shaking your head and your fist.

friends dont let friends do this, do that. friends dont need to freaking play freaking mind freaking games. so screw off, "friend". mellor your stupid self.

-at this point, you really walk away-

oh shit. what have i done. what have i freaking done. what am i freaking doing. wth is wrong with me. i had someone who cared, and now i chased him away too. oh yeah i forgot. im impossible. and im proud of it, remember? remember, vince, im proud of it?

im sorry.

i am.

you know i tried.

i did.

it's just that, i lied.

f.

i want to curse and swear but i dont do that kind of things.

what's the point of money? can you eat it?

so what's the point of happiness? you cant eat it either.

i've always wanted this. now it's right in front of me. and i have every incentive to take it. why arent i?

i guess im just soft. im just soft and parboiled. but a little more time, and then i'll decide.

i sure hope no one's reading this anymore. anyone out there?

sigh hah. that sigh.. this is so. melodramatic. but im not even trying here. oh sue me. it's not working is it? i just wish there was someone about. but i guess it's my fault, as usual. and thing is, i wouldnt even say that i dont love myself. im proud of me, i dont suffer fools gladly either. it's a kind of defiance, really. i dont know whether to say i rather not be me, but there's just so much, so much..

you know what? im totally confused too. i dont want to think about anything already. i just want to be with you whoever you are.